If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
