just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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