I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
