he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
