you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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