you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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