I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
