omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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