4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
