I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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