im having a threesome with these popsicles
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
