This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
did you just send me my own nude
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
