I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
