How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
