so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize