My sheets look like a crime scene.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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