Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
