i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
