At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory