Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.