Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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