God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
