You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
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Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
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My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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