sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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