I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
