I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
