I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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