I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
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I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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