I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
