Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
