It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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