you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
