I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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