before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
