This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
