Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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