some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
