I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
