I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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