flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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