I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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