I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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