I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
