woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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