I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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