ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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