it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
