break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
