on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
