i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You're earring is so big in my mouth
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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