Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
