hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
