oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
