Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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