I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
