Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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